Friday, June 18, 2010
10:02 AM-Clint Dempsey elbows some hot bitch from Slovenia. The Slovenian sells it, grimacing and clenching like Robert Green's asshole.
10:05 AM-Landon Donovan takes a corner kick. Donovan does nothing for me. With the height and the hairline and the general pointiness. And I am particularly critical of corner kickers, since I was the most notorious corner kicker in GCC Soccer. Every other eight year-old quaked in their own zone at my prowess.
10:12 AM- Carlos Bocanegra sighting. Sigh.
10:13 AM-Slovenia scores. Booooo! The scorer rocks a pathetic facsimile of David Beckham's fauxhawk. And his mama wears combat boots.
10:19 AM-I am watching this game on a $3,000 television set (I live with boys, okay?) and yet the sound quality is that of the battery powered combination TV/Flashlight my mom keeps in the laundry room in case of alien invasions or earthquakes. Fuck the Vuvuzelas.
10:28 AM-The nicest thing about soccer, is that you can really live your life while watching a game. Scoring chances are few and far between, so really you can read, surf the internet, prepare after-[tobacco] nachos and be fine. just know that you have to look up as soon as the announcer's voice starts to climb. I like that.
10:32 AM-Oguchi Onyewu (yes I had to look up the spelling) is a piece. I don't worry about mispronouncing his name, because I only intend to call him "O!" Haha, get it? Get it? I'm being dirty! See? Soccer is fun.
10:35 AM-Penalty kick for the USA. A nice kick by Jose Torres, he almost makes it. Again, if he wants tips, this was right in my wheelhouse as a ten year-old. In other news, Jose Torres looks like the imaginary baby if Peter Facinelli mated with a hawk.
10:38 AM-Findley with a scoring chance. Fail. Right away there is another scoring chance off a corner kick and no one sees it. Findley gets yellow carded for a hand ball. Because his hand and his face apprently look alike. Because the ball bounced off his face, ref. Thanks.
10:40 AM-Another USA scoring chance! By one of the USA players! I think it was Mia Hamm. The announcer says the US is really knocking on the door and I believe him.
10:41 AM- Except not. Because Slovenia scores. The US makes the terrible mistake of waiting for an offside call that never happens (ignoring the always play until the whistle rule that we are taught at five years old), leaving a Slovenian with a wide open net. I think it was Anze Kopitar.
10:47 AM- Halftime. USA 0, Slovenia 2. Soccer -12.
Half- The dude says that Landon Donovan basically said some thing to effect of "If we don't beat Slovenia, we don't deserve to be in the round of 16." Way to kibosh the team, Dono! Also, [tobacco].
11:04 AM-USA SCOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEESSS!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!! Forget everything I said about Landon Donovan! He can have whatever he wants from me if he can score two more goals!
11:08 AM-HOLY SHIIIIT! Oh no, Clint Dempsey comes thisclose to scoring again. Gah.
11:12-ish AM- Tim Howard makes a leaping save and USA has some intense scoring opportunities that come to naught.
11:23 AM-USA has one substitution left. Yikes.
11:26 AM- Slovenia gets a yellow card. Landon Donovan's hairline is pissed for some reason. Thought he was getting a red card? In my experience, the only way to get a red card is to step on Lauren Miller when she gets in the way of your throw-in and needs to be taught a lesson. So, sorry, boys.
11:27 AM- Donovan free kick and Altidore allllmost scores. Blast!
11:29 AM-Free kick, almost scores.
11:31 AM-Almost score.
11:33 AM-Landon Donovan gets taken down and Forbergs it until his feet hurt. He draws a yellow card. His kick lands in a sweet spot, but they can't connect.
11:38 AM-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael Bradley scores! A beautiful head from Altidore with the deatstrike of Bradley. The score is tied. My uterus dead.
11:43 AM-Edu scores! But the ref calls offsides, negating the goal. repeated viewings show that Bradley was being held and there was no offsides. The ref looks like Capt. Daniels from The Wire, so I'm having a hard time getting too mad at him. But I'm relly mad.
11:44 AM-Major Tim Howard save.
11:46 AM-Tim Howard gets a piece of a great Slovenian shot and goes ape on his defenders who had totally let Slovenia waltz into the box and start a weenie roast. I'm little into him now. Not gonna lie.
11:48 AM-I'm still really mad at Captain Daniels about calling off that goal. Nachos.
11:50 AM-They're carrying off a Slovenian. No word if he's cute.
11:52 AM-Game over. It ends in a tie 2-2. The US should be proud they got out of there alive. and if stupid Captain Daniels (also Broyles on Fringe) hadn't blown off that goal, my boner would be complete.
11:53 AM-One of the hand-shaking Slovenians looks like a Staal Brother/Prince Harry hybrid. We've seen this before, but still. Wow. The cameraman notices this too, because he lingers on Prince OtherStaal well past his handshakes. Oh, it's the guy who scored before. Sorry for what I said about his mama.
11:55 AM-Alexi Lalas has clearly been sahring a pharmacist with Paul Abdul. He gives Altidore my Oneywu face when thanking him for steeping up in the second half. He calls Captain Daniels "a disgrace." I agree with Paula.
11:56 AM-Very Ed Harris-y coach of the USA is giving and interview. He speaks like Christopher Walken and I don't think it's a joke. He too think Captain Daniels is no better than Bubbles. And while he's proud of his boys for fighting back, he's conflicted.
After [Tobacco] Nachos
You Will Need: 1 bag of chips, 1 jar of salsa, 1 can of beans (black preferred, but any may work), Soy cheese
Directions: Combine can of beans and half jar of salsa with some salt and garlic powder in the food processor. Grind until fairly smooth.
Spread chips out on a pam-ed baking sheet. Drop the bean dip all over the chips, spread some cheese. Spread a few more chips, spread other half jar of salsa, spread more cheese. Sprinkle Lawry's or salt over the top and bake at 350 til cheese is bubbly. Use whatever bean dip and chips are lfet to tide you over until the chips are ready.