So the Canucks lost the Stanley Cup Finals last night. Some other, American team won, if you can believe it (the Braves?). Disappointment was felt all over British Columbia from Tim Horton's to Harvey's, and hundreds of Canadians took to the streets for revenge. What's being reported as a riot was probably more like a bunch of people saying "excuse me" to each other and trying to light their Sedin jerseys on fire using Labatt's as an accelerant. (Fun fact: Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog and I were on a walk last night and saw some girl in a Daniel Sedin jersey that she had cut so that it hung off her shoulder, Jennifer Beals-style, and then Cindy took a whiz that nearly ran into the girl's sandals--an ominous sign if there ever was one.) As three of you may remember, I was in the Coove for 5 weeks last year, and was present for the Canada-US Gold Medal game. And I was there when thousands of cheering Canadians poured into the streets like it was V-J Day and marched in an orderly line pausing only for an occasional jaunt up a telephone pole or to jeer the Americans and their lack of socialized healthcare. What I'm saying is, this whole thing is probably (hopefully) being blown out of proportion. But the Canadians are mad. They are furious. And they have one man to blame: Umberto Luongo. Observing a marked lack of hair grease in cutaway shots during last night's broadcast, we realized immediately, that Roberto Luongo was not in goal. It was none other than Roberto Luongo's twin brother Umberto Luongo. SportSquee's crack team of investigators has tracked down the man at the center of a nation's heartbreak to find out just what went wrong with the Canucks-Cubs game. Here is a transcript of our interview.
(Editor's note: I just looked at the footage of the riots and I had no idea things got that real. Hopefully none of SportSquee's readers or loved ones were injured or terrified. On another note, rioters, how could you just let Bettman get away like that? He slipped right through your fingers!)
SportSquee: Thank you for sitting down with us, Umberto. I'm sure you're pretty upset today.
Umberto Luongo: I feel great actually. Went to bikram this morning, had an Eco Bar, watched back-to-back episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. It's been a pretty good day so far.
SS: Yes, but after losing the game that badly, surely you must be at least a little ashamed.
SS: But hockey is Canada's national sport. And you lost to the Bears. Isn't that important to you?
UL: I prefer soccer, actually.
SS: Ugh. You're one of those?
UL: Mind if I change the music and put on the Arcade Fire? The Arcade Fire is a band. They're pretty obscure, but I love them. I'm always listening to them and Magnetic Fields. That's another band.
SS: Everyone listens to those bands.
UL: I'm always going off the grid like that. I'm just unique, I guess. I just can't stand "pop" music.
SS: Oh lord.
UL: Let me just retie my docksiders... and now we can continue with the interview.
SS: So you can confirm that you are Roberto Luongo's twin brother?
UL: Actually we're triplets. We have another brother, Norberto.
SS: And what does he do?
UL: He is a gastroenterologist. And he did the Italian translation of Everybody Poops.
SS: That's pretty cool. What is it that you do?
UL: (sips espresso) I'm a freelance tattoo designer and I'm working on my own microbrew.
SS: Interesting. So why were you in goal last night in place of your brother?
UL: Bobby had a small personal problem and asked me to fill in. He didn't think it would take as long to resolve as it did, unfortunately.
SS: A personal problem?
UL: Indeed, a personal problem.
SS: Could you describe the personal problem?
UL: You know, all a hockey player has is his health. That's all I'll say.
SS: Was it diarrhea again?
UL: We don't have to get into specifics.
SS: It was diarrhea, wasn't it?
UL: I don't feel comfortable saying.
SS: So. it was diarrhea. Again.
UL: (adjusts fedora)
SS: What did he eat?
UL: Bobby takes excellent care of himself. He always eats healthy. He had Fiber One for breakfast, with three oranges and a couple spoonfuls of olive oil.
SS: Does he put the olive oil in his hair?
UL: No. Well, yes. In his hair and he swallows some, too.
SS: (emails the tip to Simon Gagne)
UL: Then he had a pint of blueberries, a bag of baby carrots, some jalapenos, sun-dried tomatoes, a handful of flax seeds, a chorizo sausage on a stick with McIlhenny's, ten cups of coffee and a bran muffin. The guy is a machine.
SS: And you said your other brother is a gastroenterologist?
UL: That's Norby!
SS: And he can't do anything to help him?
UL: Norby doesn't really watch hockey, either. But he's a big Formula One fan.
SS: But can't he help with Roberto's recurrent trots?
UL: Oh, I suppose. But I don't think Bobby's ever asked him.
SS: At what point did you realize you would be in goal for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?
UL: Bobby called me from his bathroom--we had to install a phone there years ago--and said that he was having problems and he may need me to swap in for a few minutes. I was like, sure, whatever. I bet this will inspire some really good song lyrics for my band. Yeah, I have a band. It's like a cross between the Decembrists and the Avett Brothers. Those are other obscure bands that only I listen to.
SS: Yeah, yeah. You're a real snowflake. You were saying?
UL: So I get in there and, did you know, in hockey, they fling pucks at you if you're standing in the little cage? It's just like football. I'm sorry, soccer. I forgot you're American.
SS: Were you scared?
UL: I wasn't scared, per se... I feel that fear is something they teach you in organized religion. That's something masses believe. But I listen to Belle and Sebastian, so I'm not like other people.
SS: So you weren't scared?
UL: Maybe a little. Maybe like I might die. Like I might die and never hear another LCD Soundsystem song again. They're a...
SS: They're a band, yes. So you were scared?
UL: I was scared. But I figured, if I stayed in the net and just moved out of the puck's way, I wouldn't get hurt. So that's what I tried to do.
SS: Interesting. So your brother didn't give you any tips before he sent you out there?
UL: Not really. He just told me to try not to crap my pants. But that wouldn't happen. I only eat bananas and white rice. Cheese, occasionally.
SS: You should have been the hockey player, huh?
UL: Yeah, but then people wouldn't be able to see my tattoos. They're Japanese characters. Very unique.
SS: Have you spoken to Roberto today?
UL: He called me on the shitter phone earlier, he sounded pretty messed up. And then I told him how the game went.
SS: Do you think he regrets having you substitute for him?
UL: Maybe. We didn't talk that long. I'm going over to his place now to bring him some Kombucha.
SS: I don't think that will help him, Umberto.
UL: I got this shirt at a thrift store, you know. I'm not actually a gas station attendant for Esso named Chet.
SS: We get it.
UL: Have you ever been to Brooklyn? It's this place in New York...
SS: Okay, I think that's all we need to hear. I think we're done here.
UL: Or Portland? It's this place in Oregon.
SS: Is there anything else you'd like to let the people know?
UL: Yes. I'm wearing my mom's old golf pants ironically.
SS: (rips off Umberto's fedora and steps on it)